Photographs of days gone by

Sometimes I feel bad sharing photos of my mom when she was sick, especially at the later stages when when it was harder to look past her illness. I fear that people will see that and only want to pity her, or me. I also feel like "old mom" would be mortified to be seen without makeup on, her mouth unrecognizable, her eyes dimmed from their original spark.

But I think that she'd like she'd want the world to see her, to know who she was, how she lived, how she died. My mom did not have an easy life -- a childhood illness (which later cost her complete sight in one eye) required her to endure long hospital stays as a child, undergoing procedures with recuperations that equated to hours laying quite still in a bed. There were large pieces of her childhood she missed out on, having to experience medical trauma well before most people have to in this lifetime (if at all).

I don't think my mom believed that she would live as long as she did; I think if she had, she probably would have been a lot more explicit about what she wanted her death to look like. But I also see that she died how she lived --being able to inspire people with her resolve, and her strong fucking will.

This post feels like a ramble, but I guess I'm trying to say that sometimes it's hard to post this shit, sometimes I feel like it's too "big" to put into the world, too much for public consumption, too vulnerable. But I also see how the world is changing by people willing to be vulnerable, and speak their truth, and realize that we have more collective power than we think. A lot of that is being real about and connecting with the grief that inhibits all of us. That can look different for a lot of people -- it can be on a global scale, or a personal one. But however it comes to you, it gives you this superpower: to recognize other real ones, to scratch the surface a little bit more, to allow others to truly be seen, and in turn, truly see things in yourself. I do not always love my grief. I do not always want this superpower. But damn doesn't life feel better when you make room for the growth that comes with it.