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Pardon me while I have a tantrum…
It almost seems inevitable that Mondays will induce a “case of the Mondays”–sluggish behavior, frustration, sensitivity to less-than-ideal situations. Most Mondays, I am willing to accept this and am almost more accommodating to the bullshit, because this day of the week is the universal day of “I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing right now.” There is a solidarity to it, a sort of zen. I can usually coast through Mondays with that global reassurance and an extra cup of tea.
But today was just not one of those days. Today I had a massive case of the OMFG-NO-FAIRS, coupled with I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE TODAY.
First things first, today is Donnie’s birthday, and although we’ve been celebrating alllll weekend, I (and I’m sure he) was really looking forward to having the day off together to do–or not do–whatever we wanted. Especially after having to barrel through last summer, I’ve been making a conscious effort to actually enjoy this season and conserve some of my personal days for that purpose. And I’ve also been purposefully NOT using days leading up to this week under the assumption I’d be taking off. There were many “I-just-can’t-get-out-of-bed” days where I dragged myself out, reminding myself “but you’re taking off on the 21st! You can’t take off today…” and although my body was still reluctant, there was at least something to look forward to. Granted, nothing had been decided or planned, but the daydreams of the possibilities were enough. And then D got word that due to the most recent product launch, he had to go in to begin preparation.
Taking off on D’s bday when he didn’t have off himself seemed silly, selfish, and unfair, especially since there were things to get done at work. Plus, I still need to get to the DMV to transfer my title/get my new license (now that my name is 1/3rds of the way changed…) and I needed to wait until later in the week to do that (once I had the $ needed to transfer the title), so I would literally be sitting at home, unable to do anything productive.
The fact that we’ve been celebrating allll weekend also left me exhausted and not really ready to deal with the usual early morning Monday curve balls. I got in–late–and had plenty of things to keep me busy when all I wanted to do was put my head on my desk and pout. I guess having stuff to do was good, but there were several annoying things that needed to be taken care of. I’m not going into too much detail, but let me just say there is NO REASON trying to find appropriately branded company stationery should take 30+ emails and 2 weeks to accomplish. GRRRR. I’m not bitter, I swear… (OK, maybe I was earlier when I kind of freaked out about it to my cubemate and then proceeded to come up with the title to this blog. But trust me, a tantrum seemed perfectly acceptable this morning…)
I also just could not shake that really-tired-and-can’t-function fuzziness that comes with not getting enough sleep/being exhausted. I powered through it and got work done, but it did not make for happy times.
I was really looking forward to my hot yoga class tonight, but that was a bit disastrous as well. Granted, this is only my second class, but after the first one, I felt pretty proud of myself for being able to keep up with most of it, some poses better than others, of course. There were definitely “ohmygodIwanttoDIE” moments (Hot Yoga = Bikram Yoga = 100 degree room with significant humidity for 90 minutes while you attempt to stretch and twist and extend your body to its limit. In theory, cool. In reality, kind of cool and kind of horrendous) the first time, but this time it was mainly “IAMgoingtoDie!” moments. I took quite a few extra savasanas, or as I keep thinking the instructor is saying, “savasa naps,” where I literally just collapsed on my mat, trying to breathe and not pant. Or hyperventilate.
The majority of class I kept thinking, “I will never do this again. This is it. There is not reason to torture myself. It is air conditioned outside. There are other activities I could do…” But then I thought about it on the drive home and I realized I might have been thinking negative things during class, but at least I wasn’t thinking about work or money or the usual things that keep my head twirling. I have at least another class left on my “first week” and from there I can figure out what’s next… I am trying to push myself to keep with it. The instructor and Jen (who is also taking the class) both say that not every class is your best and you’re not always able to achieve your goals. Today’s goal was to not die, so mission fucking accomplished there.
I think a major problem I have during yoga is that a) I have no idea how to properly breath. I mean, I know what I am supposed to do, but it’s just a matter of consciously doing it. I find myself, in “regular life” and on the mat just holding my breath when I’m doing something and not breathing through it. I keep catching myself not breathing properly which is obviously affected how well I can achieve a pose or movement. The b) is that I have a hard time really focusing on my own body and what I should be doing because I am trying to pay attention to what I’m supposed to be doing and how I’m supposed to be doing it. For whatever reason, I have a really difficult time picking up on movements when I’m being instructed–the person will say right foot and I will lead left. They say look up and I am busy looking at them to process what I am supposed to be doing. This is why although I love dancing, I have never really taken lessons, nor do I excel at more regimented dance (I’m a “freestyle” kind of girl…).
In yoga, it’s not just about learning a step or two–it is turning like this, bending like that, turning your foot this way, now look up, no, up, ok, now tuck your hips in, focus on the spot on the ceiling, but roll back your shoulders, tuck your hips…tuck more. More. MORE. Oh yeah, and breath. And exhale. And relax?
I get all these things come with time, but I guess I was expecting my experience to be more…fluid? More relaxing? Despite my joking, I don’t mind “pushing myself to the limit” physically, but I guess I just thought this would be… not as intense? Granted, I am taking something called “‘hot yoga” in a 100 degree room, both things I knew when I signed up, so what the fuck should I expect? Also, it has now only been my 2nd class. I can’t judge everything based on today. Today just wasn’t a good day. As the instructor said, some days you feel as though you are stitched to the mat, other days it feels like you are floating above it. I was stitched more than a rag doll today, for sure.
D and I had talked about grabbing something to eat tonight but by the time I got home, I was totally spent and he was already in his PJs. We couldn’t really settle on an idea for dinner, so I ate a couple combos and he had ramen. I’m beginning to feel pretty hungry now, but I’m also just wondering if bed might be the best choice. I feel bad that D’s actual birthday is not the super spectacular event I was hoping it’d be, but hopefully the weekend made up for it….
alright, enough of this downer of a blog. It’s time for me to do some corpse posin’ on the couch…