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Isn't much that I feel I need, A solid soul and the blood I bleed
I did not think I was going to get birthday depressed this year. I watched smugly when the phone displayed midnight, convinced this year would be boring and insignificant, the way 39 should be. But the day, and my mom's full-time caregiver, had other plans.
Things have worked out. It will be fine. There is already someone else lined up, someone new to learn, who will need to learn us, another person who will shape our experience on what feels like a never-ending fucking odyssey. My mom, she is determined. She seems to outlive everyone.
And while it seems the Mother Wound continues to deepen this time of year, at least I am getting better at taking precautionary measures with my body vs. waiting for it to remind me that it needs tending to, and rest, and time away from screens and the static of my mind.
So yesterday morning started with yoga, a short practice, nothing impressive--10 minutes to flex and fold and stretch my body, easing the tightness and stress that settled their way into my shoulders, limbs, and back. The pre-recorded instructor encouraged me to find a word to make my mantra for the day. "Peace" popped into my head almost instantly, despite seemingly being absent the past few days.
I've rolled the word around in my head over the past 24 hours, let it escape from my mouth in moments when my body seemed to resist it, and have begun to understand that peace will never truly feel peaceful--that every day will offer some sort of circumstance poised to disrupt it. I also recognize that it's up to me to cultivate it, to create space for it, both for myself and the others in my life.
I hung this reminder in the latest area of the house that has my attention, a thrift store find that's been begging for wall space since the winter. The room is not perfect--the walls need painting and that god-awful rose-colored rug needs to go away once and for all, but there is progress here, there is hope for what this space will one day be. And if only in this little corner, there is peace, despite it all.