I wish I was the moon tonight

I’ve been sitting here, trying to get the words out, looking for some music to help the process, but nothing was working. Too many staccato starts and stops, the writing jostled–and halted–by a series of bad song choices. Maybe “bad” is unfair–they just weren’t right for right now.

It finally hit me that this might finally be the right time to crack into the Hugar recorded I purchased a few weeks back. I was excited when I learned of their new album, and totally gave in to the beautifully stormy-swirled transparent vinyl. It arrived a few weeks ago, but I’ve been saving it for the right moment, and here it seemed to be, on the official first day of fall.

I admit, I’m having mixed feelings about this seasonal transition.

This summer I felt like I finally was able to come alive after months of being dormant–while the contract job I’ve been working has provided me with tremendous career and personal growth (not to mention more financial stability), working on this project has come at some significant personal cost. I’ve had to prioritize this job for 15 of the last 18 months, with only small pockets to focus on myself or the world outside of it. And while there were a few points where I seriously contemplated leaving the job early, I resolved last spring to see it through ’til the end, which I surmised would end up being some time in October (the first end date was supposed to be May, then July, and now, October 4th).

In two weeks, I will be unemployed. Less than 24 hours after my last day, I will be on a plane, the first of several over a 5-week period. I will visit friends and places–some familiar, some new–and will do what I can to revive myself/my body/my mind after half living for so long. I’m not sure exactly what to expect on this trip, but I know that I need it. This will be the longest period since I was literally 16 that I won’t be working, and I’ve been slowly making peace with that. I’ve done my part to get myself squared away to take this time without having to worry, but there is a twinge of something inside that is probably equal parts Italian-Catholic guilt, capitalist indoctrination, and the look my Baby Boomer father gives me when I tell him how long I plan to be traveling.

This trip not only signifies a new beginning for myself and the projects I’m hoping to dedicate more time to (this being one, death doula work another), but it also means the end to a very distinct chapter in my life. I’m still processing exactly what that means for me, and the future, and I’m looking forward to having this trip–and this album–to allow me to steep my thoughts more on all that. More to come on all that, I’m sure, but for now, give this dear band a listen, and let me know what you think, if you’re so inclined.