I’d rather twists and turns; there’s beauty along the way

Fall. Notoriously a time of deaths and rebirths, as we inch closer towards the time when many believe that the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest.

Can you feel them around you? I certainly can–the blood of my ancestors flowing through my veins, the lessons I’m learning with knowledge passed down to me from their lifetimes.

I’m also much more conscious of the ghosts of my own self, feeling how much I’ve changed through my different iterations. I’m still me, but what that means has changed so much. I feel so much stronger in so many ways, sturdier in my bones, but also aware of the places where more growth needs to happen, more shedding needs to be done. 2019 has brought me so far, but there is further to go.

I think getting deeper into death work will definitely assist with that. While on this trip, I’ve had so many opportunities to reflect on the work I’m hoping to do and to hear stories from my friends about their experiences with grief and loss. While each one was as unique as the person and their life’s circumstances, I was encouraged to hear so many people indicate they wished they knew about that a death doula was an option when their loved one was going through their transition.

While this trip has been a lot busier than I expected, I’m feeling renewed with the experience. It’s been so nice to just live–to go to old and familiar places, explore, connect with friends, take time to just appreciate the life that I’ve been given. Granted, there’s still be obligations to tend to and adult decisions to have to make about life once I return, but being able to just pause things for a while has been a welcome pace change. I’ve also been amazed at how many other people I’ve reconnected with or met along the way who have gotten to a similar place in their lives–throttling forward headfirst until finally deciding, “Enough.”

I know this isn’t a luxury everyone has, and I’m sorry for that. I wish that it were possible to give everyone the opportunity to live out their lives in a way that allows them to feel truly alive, and not just pushing through an endless slog. I want to try to find ways to be proactive in that. For me, the beauty of embracing the reality of death is that you begin to truly understand how precious life is, and how important it is to advocate for good living and dying. Why waste the time we have when we know it’s going to end for all of us? I feel that by understanding that, I’m ironically less afraid of death, and less afraid in general. We are going to die. It is inevitable. So why not make the most of it? Why not do the things that I lie awake at night and wish to do?

There’s more to say, but I’m tired. Until next time…